Questions

Sometimes I feel like I am walking on a treadmill.

I cover the same territory over and over again, experience the same fears, and struggle through the same difficulties.

I ask myself the same questions:

• Why am I doing this?
• Is there something wrong with me that I'm not making any progress?
• Does life really have to be so hard?
• Isn't there a better way?

I keep trying to figure things out, but I don't have solutions, and I'm tired.

I want to jump off.

I've done that on a treadmill before. Accidentally.

I ended up with bruises and abrasions, and I felt really stupid. I should have been paying attention. Hanging on to the bar instead of closing my eyes and enjoying the walk.

Or maybe the treadmill of life is different.

Maybe I should let go of the what ifs and the constant problem solving and give my questions to God.

Maybe I just need to close my eyes, trust God, and keep moving.

I'm back . . .

It was a nice thought. Blogging.

I had no idea how hard the semester would be. I had no idea how much reading I would have to do.

I didn't expect to read so much. Or write so much.

I didn't expect to need to learn a new vocabulary.

I didn't expect to be so panicked over every paper.

I didn't expect to do so well.

I didn't expect to struggle spiritually or to have so many adjustments in every level of my life.

I didn't expect to have my life turned upside-down.

I'm no longer the church secretary.

I'm the director of a School of Ministry at CVCF.

I'm teaching a class at SDSU.

I'm moving.

I'm fighting fear.

I'm not sure where I'll end up at the end of the program.

But I'm moving.