Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Quest: Fatigue

I'm tired.

I had a hard time waking up today at 5:45.  I hit traffic, and every light turned red just as I got close.  Of course, I got to school five minutes late.  

Worse, I try to pray and am constantly aware that I need to hurry up and pray effectively because I need to meditate on Scripture, get moving, make breakfast, pack my book bag, drive to school, grade papers, write my thesis . . . 

And so I'm out of breath even though I'm not actually expending any energy.  

Once I got to the drop-in tutor office, I tried to read the Bible, but basically lacked motivation.  Not really sure what to do today.  I could get out the stack of papers to grade.  Or I could do some research.  

Instead I've read the paper.  Sort of.  Remember, I'm a little distracted and a lot in a hurry.  So I've focused on Japan.  Which breaks my heart.  

Sometimes it's hard to shut down.  To stop the brainspin.  To stop trying to control my environment.  

I think that's why I like to watch television.  Basically, I join characters I know, I follow their stories, I figure out who committed the crime.  Or I travel to other countries and watch people choose houses to live in.  

I know it sounds lame, but it's familiar.  It doesn't require a lot of effort.  

I think I use television the way some people use drugs.  It helps me check out from reality.  And now that I'm fasting television, I'm not checking out, and I'm tired.  And I know this is why God prompted me to fast television.  

I'm in the drop-in tutoring office this morning, and between interruptions it's taken me more than two hours to write this short post.  That's only partly because of the students who drop in.  Mostly it's because I don't know what to say.  I mean, what do I do with this?  And I'm guessing I'm not the only one who gets burned out, who wants to step off the world for a few minutes or days.  

And as I type, as I ask questions about how to shake this sense of fatigue, this sense that I've been running and am out of breath, I remember Psalm 62. 

My soul finds rest in God alone.  
My salvation comes from him.  
He alone is my rock and salvation. 
He is my fortress.  I will never be shaken.  
Trust in him at all times.  
Pour out your heart to him for he is our refuge.  

God is my rest.  God is my comfort.  He is my rock.  He is my salvation.  
He sees what I think I need to get done.  And he knows what I really need to get done.  

And then Jesus says in Matthew 11:28, "Come to me if you are tired and feel like an enormous burden rests on your shoulders.  I will give you rest.  Do the things I have asked you to do and don't worry about the rest. Learn from me and follow my example.  I am gentle and humble.  I won't give you more than you can handle, and even it if seems like it, trust me."  


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