Friday, April 22, 2011

Writing = Breathing

I haven't been writing much lately.  Not in my blog.  Not on my thesis.  For a while I was writing in my journal, but I haven't written much in that either over the last week.

My time set aside for writing fills up with coffee dates, student conferences, conversations with Duane or with Caitlin, and flipping the channel on the TV because I am too tired to think.

The less I write, the less I want to write.
And the more anxiety fills my psyche.

For me, writing is like breathing.  It fills my soul with oxygen that releases energy and enables me to think and speak and connect ideas.  When I don't write, I gasp for air.  My mind flits from idea to idea and I can't stop and sort through any of them.

I should know this.

I can hardly pay attention in class or in meetings or in church unless I take notes, adding my own ideas to the ideas I hear.

When I had my first miscarriage, I kept a journal for the first time.  That journal enabled me to sort through my ideas and face the day.  Eventually I worked through my pain and now look back on that time with thanksgiving.

When I got serious about knowing God, I copied passages from Scripture, along with questions and paraphrased versions, written by me.  I transcribed my prayers.  They seemed more substantive that way.  I poured out my questions to God, and he heard me.

For a while, I tried to pay attention without writing.  I'm an intelligent woman, I reasoned.  I should be able to process information the way other people process information.  Very few people take as many notes as I do. Sometimes note taking prevents me from participating in discussions.

I tried coping with sadness without writing.  I grew more depressed.  I tried praying without writing, and I stopped praying.

Lately, I'm anxious.  I struggle to focus on ideas, projects, anything.  It feels like a losing battle.  I must write.

I know not everyone writes, but I am not everyone.

I must write.  For me, writing is like breathing.  And we all must breathe.
I must make time to breathe.


Duane said...

Your writtings are a highlight to my day. When you don't write I miss it, I continue to check to see if you have as it's a good pick me up and gets me going. Continue to write, continue to share because I and many others need it.

K. Flewelling said...

I'm glad you did write. :) That makes me feel accidentally inspirational!! I love you, Mom.