Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Tension - Now and Not Yet

This morning I woke up excited to start working on my paper.  Last night, I hit the research jackpot and found sources that should help me, and today I'm hoping to get an introduction and to lay out the foundation for my thesis.  It's nice to wake with focus, but not every day is like today.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning, and I just don't want to do anything. Sometimes I want to quit school.  Quit writing.  Quit trying to accomplish anything.

Sometimes I'm just tired.

Sometimes I wonder why faith requires so much effort.  Why God doesn't just reveal himself to us so obviously that we can't help but cling to him.  Sometimes everything's so hazy that I have a hard time remembering what it is I believe anyway.

Sometimes seeking God requires everything I've got, and I'm not even sure that's enough.  Do my prayers go past the ceiling?  Outside the walls?  Does God hear me?  Will he answer?

And I do believe.  I do believe God is real.  I do believe Jesus is the light of the world, illuminating our hearts, giving us wisdom and understanding, comforting us as we journey through questions and challenges, frustration, and doubt.

Faith is clinging to what we don't actually see yet.  And so I have faith.  Faith in God's love and his compassion and his faithfulness to us.

I look forward to the day when everything's totally clear, when I really can see God face to face.  For now, I trust.  I learn to walk in faith.  

For now, I'm grateful for momentary clarity of purpose that carries me through moments when I can't remember what's true and what isn't. 

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