Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Rest and Fatigue and Renewal

I skipped school last night.  I just didn't want to go.

It's true that I hadn't finished my assignment.  I had worked on it most of the day, but for some reason I just couldn't pick a film to analyze, and then I couldn't find the handout with my notes on it.  I sought out distractions.

We had worship practice last night, and I had planned on leaving early and getting to class late, but I decided not to leave.  This was not a spiritual decision.  I just didn't want to go to class.

I love the fellowship our worship team has.  Last night we had a combined team--Santee and El Cajon.  And we laughed and sang and worshiped.  And I didn't feel like going to class.

Somewhere in the evening, when I realized I had made my decision, I also realized I have pretty significant academic fatigue.  As in, I don't feel like researching, I don't feel like doing homework, I don't feel like studying. I'm tired, and I'm done.

Except that I haven't finished, and finishing is fairly important at this stage of the game.  And normally I love research and homework and studying.  Normally I love attending class.

It's been a long year.  I'm tired.  Worn out.  I don't have much left.  And that's when I realized.  I need to sit with Jesus.  I need to allow the Holy Spirit to work in me and renew my spirit.  I need God to restore my strength and use me for his glory.

When we're broken, we rely on God's power.  When we feel like we know what we're doing, we tend to step out on our own.  Or maybe it's just me.  Anyway, I've been feeling like I have the school thing figured out.  And maybe I do, or maybe I don't.  But I'm tired, and I can't do it on my own.

Last night I realized that I have very little quiet time in my life.  And by quiet time, I mean time away from electronics, alone, without agendas.  I rarely journal anymore--it's so much easier to type.  I spend my days staring at screens.  Traveling between this place and that place.  Crossing things off a list.  Making sure I check email and Facebook.  (I don't want to miss anything.)

And Jesus says, "Come to me, all you who are weary . . . and I will give you rest.  Learn from me, for I am gentle and you will find rest for your souls."

And I want to rest, but it's hard.  I'm wondering why.

As I drove home from practice last night, I realized that this was the Holy Spirit speaking to me.  Whenever he calls attention to a broken pattern in my life, he always shows me how to move forward.  I'm looking forward to that.

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