Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Daniel Fast: Day 4

I woke up with a headache today.  Again.  This is getting old.  I don't think this is caffeine related since it's been three-and-a-half days since I had coffee, but who knows.  Duane still has a headache, and it's been over a week since he last had coffee.

And I'm tired.  My shoulders ache, and I want to crawl back in bed and sleep again.  So I'm sitting on the bed with the computer open, pretending to read the paper, pretending to read Psalm 119, and pretending not to watch the news.

I finally turned off the television and started typing.  Sometimes I think blogging is like going to confession.

Last night we had friends over for dinner.  We planned this over a month ago, before we knew we were fasting. I made a spinach and strawberry salad with balsamic vinaigrette and pasta with sauteed garlic, onions, and red pepper, plus asparagus.  Duane grilled chicken for our friends.

It didn't feel weird, and I didn't miss the chicken.  I also didn't miss having dessert.

Our adult son Jason got to the house right after our friends left.  He drops Cheddar, his puppy, off at the house when he goes to school.   I could tell he was having a bad day.  Honestly, he's been having bad days, and it scares me.  He complained about how he didn't have roots, how not going to school affected him.  Most people, he said, have friends from growing up.  I got defensive and thought better of trying to defend myself.  He apologized and gathered his things to leave.

Before he took Cheddar and went home, he said, "Mom, it's not getting better.  And I don't see that it'll ever get better.  I just want to quit trying."

My heart breaks as I write this because I feel so helpless.  There literally is nothing I can do.

And so we pray.  And I woke frequently in the night praying for him.  Praying all kinds of things. Praying for his safety.  Praying for his moods.  And mostly praying that God would reveal himself to Jason.  Or Jason would cry out to God for help.  Or something.  I don't know.  Anything that would change things for Jason.

This is why I'm fasting.
I suppose the headache doesn't actually matter.

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