This last week has been a blur.
Read thirty student papers.
Finish the conference paper.
Purchase a ticket to New York (finally).
When I finished at 2:00 on Friday afternoon, I basically shut down. Watched T.V. A lot of it. I didn't want to do anything.
It occurred to me that I could clean my office, which is pretty chaotic right now.
I could clean my room.
Work on some School of Ministry stuff.
Contact some students.
Read the Bible.
Instead, I watched more television. And ate an entire bag of peanut M&Ms.
On the one hand, I think it's appropriate to rest.
On the other hand, I wonder . . .
I read the passage in Mark 13 where Jesus says, "No one knows the day or the hour when the Son will return . . . so watch!"
And I read Jesus' words to Peter in Mark 14 when Peter can't keep his eyes open. He says, "Simon, are you asleep? Watch and pray so that you don't fall into temptation."
I need an appropriate theology of rest, but I am sorely lacking. My pattern is this: I go-go-go until I am completely exhausted, and then I vegetate.
I am trying to figure out how to build margins into my life, but so far I'm not doing so well. And I feel guilty when I check out.
I know Jesus understands. He tells Peter, "The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
Even now, it's 10:00 a.m. on Sunday morning, and I still need to shower. I'm still worn out, and I'm thinking of needed revisions for the paper. I want to be focused on my King, the one who loves me. I want to follow him, now, today, tomorrow, when I go to New York. I want to reflect his presence in the way I live my life.
That's what I really want, and yet, I'm still sort of checked out.
Father, I can't do this on my own. I'm weak, and I'm tired, and I can't muscle up the strength to be who I want to be. I can only do this by your power. Help me, Lord.