Thursday, June 24, 2010

Moving Forward, Cautiously

Little messages haunt me as I live my life, like:

If it's worth doing, it's worth doing well.
That's not quite good enough.
You're not quite good enough.
You're not ready yet.
Do it right the first time.

Perfection, or near perfection, is possible.

Unfortunately, those messages are lies; they paralyze me and keep me from doing all kinds of things.
I anguished over my grad school application and the GRE.
I anguished over the TA application.
I anguished over the abstract for the Columbia conference and nearly quit writing the conference paper.

I still anguish over every single first paper I write for class.

They're not what they could be, I think.
And fear takes over.

Kiki asked me, "What are you afraid of?"
Honestly, I don't know.

I got into school.
I did reasonably well on the GRE.
I was accepted as a TA.
My abstract was accepted.
And the presentation wasn't terrible.
So far I've gotten A's on every paper.

I wish I could live by the Nike saying, "Just do it."
Put forth my best effort. Finish in a reasonable length of time without panicking.
Trust God with the results.

A few years ago I sensed God telling me, "Move. Just move." (Hence the title of the blog.)
"Move forward toward your dreams, the dreams I gave you."

Today I have new fears as I move forward.
This time I'm not moving voluntarily; God is pushing me toward something--I don't know what yet.
I'm filling out job applications and writing cover letters and writing resumes.
This time I know my fears. What if I don't get a job?

Still, it's always the same.
Just do it. Write the cover letters. Send them out.
Trust God.

One more fear as I move forward. I'm writing a letter to a pastor of, asking him to allow me to interview people who attend the church. It should be fine, but at the back of my head I think: I have to write the perfect letter. What if he says no?


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