Saturday, June 5, 2010


When I was in sixth grade, my math teacher saw my binder, with all the papers stuffed in, falling out, not filed, and he expressed surprise. Apparently I give off an organization vibe.

I'm much better at putting together binders now, but that's in large part because my professors don't assign books as much as ask us to print out journal articles. And if I don't insert them in a binder, I'll have papers all over the house. More than I do now.

Not much has changed. I am not a scheduled, organized person. I work best with deadlines.
I also am not very disciplined.

And yet self-discipline is essential if I want to move forward.
In writing.
In teaching.
In pursuing old dreams, nearly forgotten, nearly lost.

And so I've been moving forward. Sometimes with certainty. Sometimes cautiously. Sometimes fearfully.

I've developed disciplines. Patterns that keep me moving even when I don't want to.
Like putting things into binders and labeling them.
Like writing in this blog.

Sometimes I want to stop because it's difficult to move into new territory. But I have made myself continue because. . .

Well, honestly, I can't quite remember why.
At this point I'm moving forward because I don't have any choice but to move forward.
I'm just not sure I have the courage to take the necessary steps.
And I'm tired.

The end of the school semester is always a little disorienting for me. So that's part of it.

And then my Bible slipped under the front seat of the car and I couldn't find it for a week. Also disorienting. I have lots of Bibles in the house, but for some reason it's not the same.

And I have things I have to do, but there are no deadlines, and I don't want to do them because I have never done them before. But if I don't do them . . .

And I have to trust God to work some miracles and I don't know what will happen.

One by one my disciplines have fallen to the wayside, and I'm not even sure how to get back on track.

I need to face my fears and give them to God, trusting him to take care of the details.
I need to let go of my disappointment and my hurt.
I need to present my requests to God, with prayer and thanksgiving.
I need to set deadlines and enlist friends who will hold me accountable.
I need to step forward.

And I need to start blogging again.

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